Journal #8 – Cause and Regret

This has been a very busy week, but at the same time, one for reflection and regret. I have been able to channel some of my anxious energy into fundraising for the hospice that my mum stayed in before she died. I have found this to be really helpful, and a good way to help my daughter see a positive side from a very sad event.
At the same time, however, I have reached that stage in my grief where I am struck with regret. I have been thinking of all the times I could have done something different, would it have made things any better? Could I have visited more than I did? Could I have done more for her? These questions hit me like a wave when I least expect it.
I regret not being able to be there last year at what turned out to be her last Christmas. It was unavoidable, as my daughter was ill, and we didn’t want mum to get sick, but it is something that has stuck in my mind since then. We didn’t expect mum to get so ill, but I guess that’s a good reason to grab each moment, because it may be the last you get.
That is part of the problem with anxiety, it forces you to think into the future all the time instead of appreciating the now. Worrying about what might happen, instead of enjoying what IS happening.
With winter rapidly approaching, I can feel the shadow of my anxiety readying itself for its favourite time of year. But I go into it with a determination to not look beyond the now.
Anxiety Level 5

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